are you still at the devil's house?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
