I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
