Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
