i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
