Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
