You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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