I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
