i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
