Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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