How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
