last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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