Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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