Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I AM VODKA MAN
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize