I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
