My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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