I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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