I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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