I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
