You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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