I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
