So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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