i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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