yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
