guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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