I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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