You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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