isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
