WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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