Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he shaved USA in his pubs
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
