Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
