so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
