And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize