If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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