my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
