he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
