How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
