Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
