you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
