You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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