If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
organizing the empties. That sober.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize