I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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