my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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