i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
