Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
