i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
