he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
