when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
