Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
