I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
