The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
