i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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