Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
