We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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