I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
