My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
