I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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