oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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