I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize