Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
