She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
