me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
